Balance

2016 was hard. Don't even know if that's the word. Ups and downs, every year is the same. This one had a bit more downs than ups and even if the ups were good I guess the downs just took them over.

I remember ending 2015 with doubts about myself, my feelings and what was still to come. January came easy, I made a new friend who is worth to be mentioned, not because our friendship lasted but because it had quite an impact on me. That was probabily the shortest friendship I've ever made but it was still significant. I discovered new songs and watched Fight Club for the first time, as well as Drive and loved them both. Looking back I've appreciated every moment of it.

I turned 20 in February. Said goodbye to my teen years. They are now behind me. I remember my birthday clearly and I feel I've celebrated for way too long and it felt good. I surrounded myself with the ones I love and made it a happy time. I guess I started to enjoy birthdays all over again.

My exames turned out not to be so great but I got over it with a quick trip to Porto with my best friends and sister. I met G. And that's all I remember about the the arriving of spring. I guess this was the month were the good things really tried to counterbalance the bad ones. 

And then April, obviously. I should go through my camera roll or my laptop filles to see what I was up to by then - that is one of the reasons why I like photographing and writing down stuff so much. Documenting what my memory can't remember for long gives somethings a new meaning of existence I didn't know they had. So this wasn't a big month but there is something worth mention, and it was Mafalda's birthday :)) Apart from that I've wandered a bit with friends and family and had a few car trips, not far though. Didn't enjoy any of them in particular, I realise now. 

May. Don't need to go anywhere because it does not seem very far to me. Time has passed and May was a pretty good one. I remember the first time I said G. I liked him, threw a little party at our place in Lisbon in close friends and had more fun in Coimbra (thanks Xana!!), now with G. by my side :)) 

June was peaceful. Portugal scored all the way through the Euro and made it to the finals. We ended up victorious but it didn't really had an impact on me, lol. Went to Algarve with a few of my bestfriends and it was it, 

July came along and times were quiet. Went to Algarve with family, had a few nights out with friends, especially with JC, who would always be only a call away. Also ran my socks off - that was always fun, thanks for the patience JC :))

August was clearly marked by my trip to Madeira! And I guess that's all this month comes up to. Ended the summer with a bunch of beautiful pictures of the ocean. 

September settled in, went to Coimbra for a few days with G. and actually enjoyed it quite a lot. Thanks for having me!! Back to classes and to the same old routines. 

October - bam, so close and I can't even remember it! Except for G.'s birthday (ahah) that we actually did not spent together and neither has he celebrated because he says he does not care much about that day. I was happy for him turning 23 though :)  Meanwhile I watched Forest Gump for the first time and how could I not love it, right? 

November and MC turned 20! Missed her specially that day. We celebrated latter on and I had quite some fun! My grandfather passed away and JC took me to the cinema. That was the last time we were together and only spoke to each other a few weeks afterwards. This was a tough month overall. 

And here we are. December is here, I lost a friend and I miss him so. Every single day. Christmas is just around the corner and I don't even feel like celebrating. Doubting myself once again. So, I guess I am just back at the starting point. Another year, another ride. 

Thought of posting a colourful portrait just to brighten up a bit what's left of 2016. I hope this next one comes easier to me. I don't have many particular wishes, and the ones I haver really are either silly or just the basic but important things. So, I guess this is it. 

Wish you all a merry, merry Christmas and a Happy New Year  

The End of an Era

Don't have much to say. We are growing apart.

Thank you for your friendship, for making me laugh and for driving me late at night. Thanks for all the runs, the silly dances and songs I shouted. And I am sorry if I've ever been unfair with you. 

M. 

Red

I had to check it, but no, I still hadn't post any pictures from this day. 

They are from a distant weekend back in August (?), maybe September, but it was a day I woke up late and called Mafalda to go for a walk somewhere. We ended up driving an hour away from home at lunch time and ended up in this beautiful park in a small town where we had these pics taken. 

Mafalda and I know each other for about 6 years now, I think, give it or take, Since we both moved to Lisbon back in 2014 we became inseparable. But in a very chilled way that I guess I don't share with any other friend. We both show up at each other's place without notice and bring dinner, we go for a late talk or for morning a walk. And it makes me happy. 

Yesterday I had a dinner at a friend's place and decided to come home earlier than everybody else, but late enough for the metro to have just a few trains. I got there late at nigh, it was almost 1am and the next train would take about 13 minutes to arrive. I was alone listening to music in my phone and then, out of nowhere, Mafalda texted me wishing me a good night. I mean, damn, that's the kind of thing I live for. I hate surprises but I love the unexpected (does this even make sense?)!

Just wanted to make sure I got this written down so I can always remember it and feel thankful for my friends and thought these photos would make it justice. :)) 

Who cares who's watching

I've debated whether I should or should not share this info with you but here it goes: I often change clothes with my windows wide open - no curtains.

So let's make this clear I do not find it particularly appropriate what so ever, but I also don't mind it at all. It is just something that doesn't concerns me, really. To be honest I don't even spend any of my time thinking about it. 

I guess I could say it is just natural to me to change clothes. As it is to have my windows open as soon as I get up in the morning. But often when I have friends over that's somehow something that worries them as soon as they realise there are other windows on the other side of the street with potential curious neighbours who could be peeking. I know, they could. But to me it is like "wow, how did you even noticed that? Like, I do it every day and I don't even look outside, I'm just doing whatever I am doing, living my life." And then I always feel like I am minorising something that is quite important to others and that I, myself, don't even care about.

And I guess this is a silly example that illustrates life: we all give different importance to all kinds of subjects in our lives. Some prioritise privacy, others value daylight and fresh air. Some can't live without chocolate, others would rather have a clean face without a pimple. And that's fine. Who cares who's juding? No one is watching ;)

Have a nice week folks :)) 

Bye Bye October

I guess I don't feel the months as they pass by. I can count on the fingers of one hand the months I enjoy and appreciate. They are February, because I get to celebrate my birthday (I know, I know, so predictable), but also because I feel it is a special month since it is smaller than any other month of the year; December because it marks the end of an year and also because of the christmas lights and mood, reuniting with family, and I like the ice cold breeze too. Then I guess I like that time around the beginning of spring, but that's not a month really and I like when fall comes too, somewhere near september and october, when days are still long, the light is beautiful, the colors start to change and new scentes appear. So I guess that's it. 

October is now ending and I feel this year has gone by so (but so) fast and it is almost over. Another year. Another cicle. Another spin around the sun. 

Two more months and it's a wrap! 

" Sure, I could stay, but there’s a place I’d rather be"

"Sat back with the window down

Eighty an hour and the radio loud

The same songs with the same old rhymes

Tell me to shake it off and swing from the lights"

Drive, by Oh Wonder

Fact: don't feel much like photographing or letting myself be photographed lately.

This is just to contextualise the portrait above. One of the few I had taken in the past 3 months(?). I like it though. I guess it looks very natural and happy. This was a happy day indeed. That was a happy week and a happy month for sure. 

I am not always with that broad smile on my face but if there's something I sure thank and appreciate about myself is how happy and energised I wake up every morning. I guess it is my favourite part of the day. But on the other hand (and related to the lyrics) is that nights are usually the opposite to me. Not that they are necessarily sad, lame or whatsoever, but I do know that I become more vunerable to feel all sorts of feelings and to think about all sorts of stuff. In the morning I just can't bear complexity, I grin and live my life, I am optimistic and rational. By the night I am much more emotional and let myself go with a song, with a movie or with a chat with a friend usually leading to overthinking. And in those times what I enjoy most certainly is to go out for a ride, put some nice music playing loud and drive with no destination. I just love it.  

Gosh, simple things really do make me happy. I love it that way. I wish that part of me never disappears. 

This is going to be a busy weekend for me! Hope you enjoy yours :))

 

a.m. thinking, instead of sleeping

I never know if me wanting to come back to the blog is a good or a bad thing. Often I come and write when I am in a funk and since that's the most frequent lately I can't really tell if I ever come here when I am happy and bursting with energy. 

That said, I better just write and think about it later. 

It's 4:50 a.m. It's been about a week since I've been waking up in the middle of the night. You always are the first thing I think about. No sign of a good night kiss in our own virtual way, whatever this means. I guess I really don't need it. But I remember clearly what I used to think about this a few months ago and how I asked you to never stop wishing me a good night. And then you've stopped. 

I miss you. I'll carry on - missing you - until we don't miss each other anymore. But tonight I do. 

B. I miss you too. I've always said you smile with your eyes, even more than with your perfectly straight, white smile. But now you beam. I always, always remeber our first times living together as my parents asked how my new friend was (that was you) and I would invariably answer we were not friends, just roommates. Could not know what was to come. Life is getting on around the house, your room door is always open so we can feel you closer and I know we talk everyday and often video chat too. You had never spent a lot of time home since you were always out and about getting on one of your million endeavours What I miss most about you really, is your presence, probably the good old grumpy B. by the morning, the music you used to listen to, your dance moves, actually and as funny as it may sound, you walking around the house (it is very peculiar, now that I think about that) but mostly, and more than anything else, our dates. It used to involve a little walk and quite often a meal or snack,but we would never pass a lot of chitchatting. Laughter too. :))

Thanks for showing me Submarine, for going home with me on my birthday, for being mostly rational but also emotional when I don't expect you to. You definitely are one of my people. 

And now I get what they say when what matters the most is when the ones you love are happy. Love to see you in la bella Italia, happier than ever. 

You are missed!!!

Pink-ish

Nothing to add. Just wanted to post a few pics. Don't know if I'm ever going to catch up with my summer photos (I've changed laptops and am still trying to figure my pics out). See you soon. Promise. 

Costa Vicentina '16

Back in early August me and 3 more friends met in Lisbon and headed south, always by the ocean. Our idea was to visit a few places along the shore - Costa Vicentina - one of the most beautiful landscapes Portugal has to offer. Honestly I am also a fan of the dry and yellow hay contrasting with the blue sky kind of view, so I am always delighted to road tripping throughout Alentejo. 

I could post here a few snippets from the views we got to see but I'll confess that since I am writing this so out of time I am doing it only to make it a permanent memory and editing photos would take a lot of time, so I'll stick with just a few, mostly of us (or me, I'm sorry). 

We started with Odeceixe, the northest of our destinations and then it was just going souther until we make it to Aljezur. We stayed every night in the same village, Almograve, which was actually one of my personal favourites, but had time to see Furnas, Vila Nova de Mil Fontes, Ilha do Pessegueiro, and my number one, Porto Côvo.

Volver

Hi, do you still remember me? Because I don't even remember myself.
I am well aware of my absence for the past few months. The only justification I can give you is being on holidays (also, to be noted: my computer is being fixed for ages now and I am so annoyed I wasn't given it back. It's been like more than a month and I swear it wasn't that big of a deal.Grrr.)

So, during this time away I've done a lot of different things and been in a lot of different places. I don't even know where to start, but I sure do love a few snippets from those times and I would like to share them here, at least just so they don't remain in my computer forever, useless. I know I will enjoy to check them later too, since I cherish all the moments represented through the photos. 

So, buckle up and here it goes, with no specific order:

These bunch are from a birthday party back in early July (it's September 3rd now, just so you get the idea -haha)

Fading

I still remember our first talk, the first time you said you adored me and my reaction towards that text. I remember it all. I remember you saying goodnight  everynight without me asking. And then because I asked for it. I've always thought that writing down what I feel would somehow make me weak because I know I won't feel this way forever. I still think that way but I also think I may like to read about you and mostly about me in the future. 

I've had a few drinks by the time I am posting this. Nevertheless I know what I feel. I feel we won't be in each other's lives much longer. I haven't seen you for more than a month. You're home but you said you didn't want to be with anyone. Not even with your friends. That makes me sad in so many ways. Firstly I miss you. Secondly I wish I could make you feel better. 

I guess it is unfair to sua all of this but none of it is new and you have heard it all from me in other occasions. I still love you and I still miss you. But I just don't know for how long now. And it makes me strangely sad. Also, I don't know how long I will make the effort and not give up on this, but I know myself and I know it won't be long until ir happens. And love will fase. Not only mine. Ours. 

Beach Bound

 

Summer is here in full swing. Holidays have begun, the sun is shinning strong and bright and the ocean is warm and salty as I like it. Drove down to Algarve with a few of my best girl friends and here we are, sunbathing, laughing, sleeping and not doing much else. Trying not to think much about college and the grades that are still to come in the next few days. Missing home a little bit to be honest, since it's been about a month now that I last went home. Missing a few friends as well, but that is really what I like most about summer: reuniting and gathering with all my loved ones, friends and family. The season has just begun and the best of it is yet to come.

Have a nice summer folks! 

Friday Morning, July 1st

I'm lying  in my bed. On the other side of the wall that separates our bedrooms you are packing your things to leave.

I was tired so I closed my eyes and left myself fall back asleep, maybe because I didn't want to say goodbye and would rather ignore what was going on. 

I'm now finishing this post and what I feel is bitter sweet. I am well aware you'll come back and everything is going to be the same. I also know you are going to have the time of your life and you sure deserve that moment for yourself. But if I think about myself, and even though I am sure I am just being silly for woring about this I am afraid I'll be a little bit (more) lost without you for half a year, or an whole semestre, as you prefer to put it. 

Life is good. Life with you and R. is even better.
This is always going to be your home.
See you next year. 

Love, M. 

A Whole

The part of me I like the most is my creative soul. I don't mean to say it in a pretentious way, but I like to like the things I like and I like to always be thinking about something new. I appreciate the importance I give to little things and how I value the small details that are sometimes insignificant to other people.

It often reflects on the way I see the world and therefore on my pictures. I also enjoy mixing them up and put them together, playing with shapes, colors and textures. 

That's what I enjoy most about myself. First because it makes me feel good on the inside, like as if I had no expectations about what others may think, I do it because it makes me feel good. I just get this feeling of fullfilment, pride and happiness, somehow. Second because I believe not everybody appreciate the same things I do and I like to think it makes me special, being my own way. 

So, the biggest compliment one can give me is saying I inspire others with my pictures, drawings, collages, or anything like that. It really makes my heart burst with joy and pride and I instantly start smiling, sometimes saying "ohhh" - haha. 

On the downside I must be honest and admit that I also get disappointed when someone I love and admire doesn't understand that part of me. I can't even explain it. I guess that's what I would fall in love with myself with. I can't be without that part of me. So, I guess I want to be loved for what I am, as a whole. And I couldn't live pretending I don't enjoy being the way I am. 

Maybe self-empowering much? Haha ;)

Wish you all a nice week!!

Side Notes

a little photo of me from today, just because

We actually didn't meet as we were supposed to. And now I'm thinking how weird it is to be writing this as if you were ever going to read it. Well, don't mind me.

I've been dreaming a lot lately - daydreaming is a constant - but I usually don't dream much during the night. This past week has been the complete opposite and not only have I dreamt every single night as I've also dreamt several things all at each night. A total mess if you want to know.

Also, there's a portuguese blogger I follow and try to catch up with who writes in portuguese and she is many times a motivation to write in portuguese as well as to write about deeper things, feelings and what affects me not only in a positive way. I'm just sorry she doesn't post that often but I totally understand and I guess I kind of like the suspense and the feeling of not knowing when will I find something new.

I've been thinking about how happy I am for keeping up with these somewhat regular posts since more than a year ago now, and it feels good. I actually enjoy so much going back and reading old posts. It's so much fun and also brings me mixed feelings. But I quite like it!! So I guess I'll keep going as long as time and my will allow me. 

Have a nice week, you guys!

Thank You

It's about half past midnight now and I am sitting in front of my desk with the books open. I am studying because you want to see me tomorrow after lunch which is when I usually study. I know that within 3 hours you are going to pick up your brother and you could perfectly come by to give me a good night kiss. You didn't offer. I didn't ask. Anyways, I'll be up until late to see you to tomorrow. And wherever this brings us I'll thank you because at the end I got to do more work than I was supposed to and somehow got ahead of what I had planned. I hope this turns out well. At least my exam. 

See you tomorrow after lunch. 

Life Lately And A Few Thoughts On Childhood

A disclaimer before you think this is a lame post about self-pity. It's NOT!

So, let's begin saying that I never thought I was incredible good at anything, like THAT good. I know am median at a few things. I don't suck at sports but I'm no athlete too, I definitly can't sing whatsoever and I don't play any instrument. I'm far from being a plausible dancer or cook, 'cause I easily lose my patience.I guess I am alright at writing but I don't even like to read it afterwards. The only thing I really enjoyed and somehow though I was kinda good at was painting at first. Never liked drwaing much, but I get into coulouring very easily. I started doing some crafting and hand work at 10yo or something like that. I don't know how it started exactly. I remember liking that kind of stuff but I guess I had never really tried it until I went to 5th grade at my school where I was first intruduced to arts class and then to a little weekly club which was nothing more than a past time really. But somehow I got into it so badly that I would ask my mom to go buy me supplies every-single-weekend. Every saturday morning, to be more exact, which I guess is why I still like saturday mornings so much. :))

Now I don't spend much time around my little bits and bobs but it certainly feels good to come back home to my little studio and do a little project for once in a while.

Looking back I am so thankful my parents never told me off because it was quite an investment actually (if you'ld only see the amount of things I own, and also how pricey they are!!) because more than just an hobbie or something I enjoy doing in my free time it has taught me that even if you are not great at something, practice really does make perfect. I know this because although I know I am far from being a great artist, or drawer or whatever you want to call it, I still remember my first art projects and I actually kept a few of my favourites and now I see how much I have evolved and I believe it made me a more creative person. It can also bring you new friendships and opportunities, so, whatever it is that you like doing, just find something you really enjoy and go for it. Even if you are not the best at it, it makes you feel good and eventually you'll become better and better. 

So, besides studying, and during my breaks I've been back to business watercolouring a little bit. 

Talk to you soon, folks!